Introduction

I have been wanting to type out my testimony for the longest time on my battle with depression, but never got down to doing so. Since I have got time now, I plopped my butt down and got started. Here goes!

Depression & Recovery

If you haven’t already known, I was diagnosed with mild depression (High-functioning depression) called Dysthymia and Double Depression in my first year at University. My psychiatrist analysed and told me it has been about 8 years that I have been having Dysthymia. I finally felt relieved by the diagnosis as I have always felt like I couldn’t feel things the way others do and missed my younger self for having feelings.

I started experiencing my first bout of minor depressive disorder in Secondary School (about 8 years ago), and am recovering now without the aide of meditation which was a daily dose of an anti-depressant called Fluoxetine (Prozac). Medication, Community and Meditation on the Word have all been important parts of my ongoing recovery.

Right now, I have taken a year off school for recovery and has been declared fit for school! Praise the Lord! Turns out that my Psychiatrist is also a Christian, such blessings in disguise!

Before Depressive Episode

For most of my life, my emotional life has been pretty healthy. If I think about it in a ridiculously oversimplified good vs. bad feels over time framework, my emotional world might look like this:

Beginning of Depressive Episode

Beginning of my Secondary School journey a feel different, I couldn’t feel happiness the way people do. I see people laughing their heads off but deep down inside, I knew I wasn’t feeling the joy that others could. I felt like a fake and that I couldn’t be real with my feelings as that would just mean I am an emotionless bag of nothing-to-offer. So I put on a smiley mask and laughed whenever-I-deemed appropriate. Never got close to any friends at a heart-to-heart level and didn’t have much memories that stuck in my memories due to my lack of emotions.

I’d noticed that I didn’t have the same visceral reaction to spending time with friends as I used to.  I didn’t think there was a need to get checked for I didn’t really know if what I was feelings was normal or “just me” thing.

However, it become more obvious when things like overseas trips with parents/friends and nature walks didn’t spark any visceral sense of serenity, which was eerily missing.

The second change, though more gradual, was more obviously problematic. Over the course of months, I noticed my general mood decline. I’d have days waking up feeling kind of crummy with no obvious cause. As this evolved, my desire to interact with friend all but vanished. There were many days where I couldn’t bring myself to do it at all, so I would coop myself up in my room with my so called “husbands” – my geog textbook and guitar. Music was a way I found some relieve and escape from my thoughts.

Next, the whole graph shifted down.

Depressive Episode (summarized) – particularly because I can’t remember most of the things I did, however, feel free to read my other blogs if you are interested.

The last change was downright disturbing. I’d look down at my hands and experience them as just these objects I control. I’d look in the mirror and see a person that I rationally knew was me, but had no visceral sense of recognition. Photos of me in the past felt like looking at a bizarre alternative timeline that I could remember but not feel. From searching around, the best terms I’ve found to describe this are “dissociation” or “depersonalization”. But really, “Who am I?”

This was the time I was in Polytechnic. I was chosen as a Valedictorian of my cohort but I felt so empty and unworthy of the award. All I felt like doing was to run away from the reality of everything. I probably did well in school due to my need of running away from reality and hence filled up my schedule to the brim to keep myself packed with back-to-back activities to keep my mind occupied. My days were like 20hrs activities and 4hrs sleep/insomnia. I knew something wasn’t right but I kept going as a got advice online and my “bad” company of friends that “tiredness is just a feeling.” I held on tightly to that and pushed myself harder and harder than the day before.

Whenever I had time to think, I would spiral down in depression. I would start feeling a wave of sadness overwhelm me and I would start hurting myself and even started devising ways of suicide (just for fun or so I thought).

Going though 3 different University Camps pretending I enjoyed it and all was well was super hard! Everywhere I looked was people who are happy and putting on cheerful smiles! They all seemed like they enjoyed themselves, were they also faking? Or did the problem lie with me? I was so curious and confused that I had googled things along the line of “Are people truly happy?”, “What is the definition of happiness?”, “How to be happy?”, “Why can’t I feel happy?” And as expected the results gave me things like meditation, exercise, medication, etc. All of which I have been actively doing but still didn’t give me a true sense of hope and joy.

From then on, I knew something was missing, something so vital to life.

Alcohol, talking to friends, exercising, medication, sexual indulgence, sleeping pills, counselling all didn’t really aid in my recovery. So then I floated along to see where this life was taking me.

Double Depression

As my classes at University started and my coping mechanisms were are falling apart, I started succumbing to all the stress. Looking at people tires me out, so much that I couldn’t look at anyone in the eye due to be inner insecurities and thought in my head that were speaking lies into my life. I adhered to those lies and acted upon those lies.

The next moment, I was sick of life, suicidal, hopeless, deeply hurt and sorrowed over nothing really. I was doing fairly well in school (above average) but something in me start felt saddened over the fact that I couldn’t feel joyful in anything. There was an issue that I had to resolve, I didn’t want to feel this way forever!

Numbing myself to those “sad” feelings was just a temporal mean of getting over those feelings but it didn’t help in the long term recovery.

As my general mental health deteriorated further, a perverse reversal took place.

See that dip to the right of the green line? Yeah, that’s not normal, and it merits some explanation.

Positive experiences had now become an exercise in “let’s painstakingly analyze how deeply broken my emotional mind is”. Not the most constructive internal dialogue.

Every time anything good would happen, I would cling on as hard as I could to any positive aspect of it, then be intensely distraught when it would inevitably fade almost immediately after I had left the experience.

Perhaps the most soul-crushing parts of my uni life were the periods where I actually did feel better for days at a time. Each time it happened, I had this gloriously optimistic thought: “Maybe it’s over. Maybe I’m going to feel normal again from now on!” And each time I could feel my sensitivity to the world receding, it felt like a force pulling away everything good in my present and future. I could never figure out a way to return to that feeling of normalcy. Once, I felt that lucidity kick in for about 10 minutes during a car ride, then mysteriously vanish right afterwards.

Getting help

It was out at Buangkok mrt with my parents for lunch, I picked up a call from the University Health Center and the lady on the line called me to ask me about how I am doing. I started telling her about my depressive thoughts and started breaking down in the middle of the car-park with my parents watching me. It was embarrassing, but I couldn’t hide it in any longer. I became so accustomed to hiding my emotions that I can be crying under my bed covers and my mom could be sleeping next to me unknowingly. The biggest downside was to wake up with puffy eyes which I covered with an excuse like “didn’t sleep well”.

Unless you’ve been there yourself, it’s hard to appreciate how validating it is to hear from an authoritative source that yes, you do have a real problem. It’s not just “part of getting older” or a “slump”, it’s a real problem that can and should be addressed.

That validation was so powerful that I spent the next few days as a teary mass under the blankets in my room. I felt understood when the psychiatrist diagnosed me with Dysthymia, there was hope! I am not alone.

After 3 months out of school and with the help of my Christian Community, Huddle, I was declared free from the chains of depression. Thank you Lord for saving me from a road of no directions and emptiness.

I am glad and forever thankful for God’s grace and what’s He is working in my life and the lives of the people around me.

I am thankful to have a community whom Loves God and Loves me. Special thank to my mentor, F, that has been always there for me helping me out of my irrationality and always knowing the things to say in my darkest moment of my life. I felt understood in Huddle, thank you Lord for bringing me back in the more unexpected way.

Hey all! Today, I wanted to talk about depression. I am happy to be delivered from the chains of depression and self-pity! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!

Battle with depression

Alright moving on to the story. I had been diagnosed with high functioning depression (Dysthymia) in Dec 2018 at my university. I decided to take some time off from school to recover. By God’s grace, He gave me hope and life, and a wonderful community that I could grow healthy relationships centred by God. I am truly blessed! Thank you Mentor F and Huddle familia!

Now that I look back at the last 6 months battling with depression, I see God’s hand in the battle although the battle was tough but by His grace and strength and with support of my mentor and friends, I managed to overcome and win over the battle! Ptl!

I would love to share my story here to share God’s faithfulness and grace in my life. Thank you Lord 😭.

Experiencing depression

Back in Dec 2018, my thoughts and sight were clouded (literally and spiritually) I could not discern and had no emotions and felt like dying everyday. I would wake up thinking of dying and crying and harming myself. There was no hope. I was dying (or so I thought). I was weak and tired, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. My soul was dying, and I didn’t know what to do. With each passing day, it just got from bad to worst, spiralling into a never ending cycle of fear, anxiety and self-pity. At that time, I couldn’t even see that it was self-pity and out of fear, I thought,”Something was really wrong with me, I don’t deserve to live. Someone, please kill me. My head hurts and I can’t stop thinking even if I wanted to stop, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat.”

Deception

The Devil will attempt to lure you to quick-fixes when you’re hurt and in pain. He wants you to believe he has all the answers, not God. If you are having problems in your relationship, he will feed you bad words and thoughts about that person to break the relationship down even more. If you are battling an illness or in physical pain, he will try to make you believe that God isn’t present and doesn’t care about what you’re going through. If you don’t seek God in these moments, the Devil will make you wonder if God is really good.

The devil had his hold on me. I agreed and accepted his comments, I stuck on those labels. Of course at that time, I felt it was all my fault, I am not worthy or good enough. But now I know, that was all part of the devil’s plan in deceiving me, pulling me far far away from God and letting the devil take control over my life (because I did allow his comment to control me, I could not discern!) I felt my life draining out of my, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t move, I was dying.

The devil was happy! He got what he wanted. He got his control over God’s child. Many sleepless nights, crying, suicidal thoughts, self-harm and illness, at that time, I questioned God… God if you are really good please save me! He heard me, I believe He really did!

Lord my Saviour

Crying out to God really does miracles. God is good, He is really really good. He is hope, He is life, He is our victory.

After crying out to the Lord, I started to see visions of Good Gifts City Church ⛪ the church that I once attended. At that point, I was grabbing onto anything that could help my situation, my mind was in a swirl of thoughts and pain in my heart and mind did not stop. I texted my friend, F T. , asking if I could meet up with her. We made an appointment to meet up for coffee.

Moving on, my friend F T. became a friend that I really treasure and respect, she spoke life into me and I would never know what would happen to me if I did not make the decision to contact her. It can only be you, with God’s divine intervention, He brought me back to the truth.

Community and Mentorship

My life has been changed ever since with the continuous guidance from my friend (my mentor) and my community of friends.

My mentor, F T., was really there for me at all times, showing me care and concern even when I felt like giving up, when I was at my weakest, when I felt like I was fading away.. She pulled me back with her love and gentleness. It really does represent God’s love and tenderness. Thank you F T. 🤗🌱

Months battling with depression was not easy, I went through a breakup, which resulted in me crying and punching a wall with my bare fist. I “broke up” with the sport I once loved and worshipped, Aikido.

I had severe headaches and mood swings, days that I felt I was so weak to even get out of bed. I was under spiritual attack, it was spiritual warfare! We won!

A battle with the devil

There was this night, I couldn’t sleep at all, I had a sense of fear come over me, and when I tried to stop thinking, more negative thoughts started flowing in. The pain was so unbearable. It just got more and more painful, I thought I was going to die from the pain and overwhelming flow of thoughts. My brain was going haywire. I banged my head on the wall afew times and rolled around my bed throughout the night. I just keep crying non-stop… then.. morning came. Gosh, I couldnt even get a wink of sleep, and my headache persisted into the next day. It was a frightful night, I never want that to happen again.

Mark 9:20-27 “And when he saw Him, immediately the spirit convulsed him, and he fell on the ground and wallowed, foaming at the mouth”

Jesus had no difficulty whatsoever in dealing the demon, even though the demon made a final display of his terrible strength. Knowing he must leave, the demon did the most damage he could before he left. But it was not lasting damage.

God showed me that at that time in my battle with the devil, He was there, He was hugging me shielding me from the attacks of Satan, I felt His warm embrace over me, but my head still hurt. God revealed to me over time that that night, the devil was trying his best to do the maximum damage that he could do to win me over, he wanted me to doubt God, and blame God for the pain I was going through. Without the God’s protection that night, I would have probably be in the grasp of Satan by giving in to his deceptive lies. Thank you Lord. Let me show you the convo I had with my mentor and an image I drew of what was was going through my mind.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy,” Jesus says in John 10:10. “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

God just revealed to me recently that my headaches were caused by a spiritual attack by the devil. It was really enlightening because I never saw it this way before. Next time if I get a similar headache or feeling, I am going to declare scripture over it! I have overcomed for Christ has overcomed the grave! Satan has no hold on me.

James 4:7, NIV: “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” .

God has been healing me in ways I never experienced before, Thank you God. I never felt so at peace with myself, joyful and restful ever in my time here on Earth (excluding when I was a baby).

😁🌱 More exciting journeys with God!

Joshua 1:9, NIV Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”