Chatting into the wee hours of the morning 🙂

Gg to the gym tgt

Gg 7-11 or meat hunts at midnight

Hugging Mudkip to slp

Imagining a future with you to calm myself down before bedtime

These days whenever I have my meals, I still rmb what you say about each food item and what is good and what is not in my subconscious…guess I would miss your voice harping on those things

Your smell

Your farts

The boobies

Your cutie face esp when you sleep

The way you jerk in ur sleep and the loud alarm that goes off to jerk urself awake which I had gotten used to.

Your family and relatives

Your house n that fish in the tank haha

Our midnight supper at ur house downstairs

Your bro’s room

Your room (that was never cleaned and reorganised after the longest time)

Playing Pokémon Unite tgt and being so happy like a kid haha… and also board game cafe..I just enjoyed seeing u so excited… it made me happy that you were happy you know?

I guess I really missed the happy you … these days you were all stressed and i / we couldn’t do anything that could make u relax or enjoy time with me alittle, seeing you not happy made me unhappy as well. Maybe only bachata took our mind off ur reality of work/gym stresses.

U know …I just wanted to make you happy ? I think I really loved you a lot a lot a lot. I probably felt so helpless and stressed as I couldn’t make u happy – because that’s what I feel is smtg I should be able to do as a partner in ur life, but was unable to do so with you. I hope another person will be able to bring comfort and happiness:) and also seek refuge in God.

And with that , when you scolded me for being sad n depressed whenever I am with you… I felt very hurt . Now I know on hindsight why.. it’s because I couldn’t make you happy…that’s why I was so hurt by your comments that why can’t I just be happy and not depressed.

Wonder if we could have ever make happiness between us. But that will be for God to know (unless 2-5 year down the line, we happen to try agn at romance, but we will probably do the latter which is to move on and maybe led very different lives).

At least now I am clearer of why things didn’t work. Sighs. I see now. It wasn’t even resolved because the root wasn’t even known.

TBC

Whenever I have my meal alone, I would always have in the back of my mind – I have my boyfriend, I am attached & I am independent I can have dinner on my own. But inside, I am longing for my partner to have all my meals with me (of cos that won’t be possible) but it really helps when you are attached and when the loneliness creeps into ur heart I could simply push it away with the fact that I am loved n taken by a SO.

Now without my partner and SO, it feels empty, like I can’t simply think that I won’t be lonely for the days gg forward, I would need to accept my loneliness and maybe even embrace it like a friend.

But I feel like loneliness can never be friendly. Or at least I don’t want to be it’s friend, I want to be loved and treasured – or at least I long for it. And I hope future me would find it in another and in God first!

Guess no more snowboarding with you.

No more travels

No more dreams with you

That’s all prt of moving on.

It’s getting empty when I think of u.

You

Finally we have ended things.

Here I am back where we started, when holding ur hand was the best feeling ever. Now just a memory. I am forced to forget you to cry and to grieve over us. Over all the plans I made in my head and heart about us, all the love we had poured into us just all washed down the drain of hopelessness. All hope is lost of us, we let it go, we let it go, with a heart full of sadness yet knowing that we couldn’t have done better. Not too sure if you are hurting but I am, and I don’t blame you for being you, I hope you will heal and get the strength you need to conquer the world as you so greatly desire.

Here I am, staring at the stars again w/o you. With the light breeze and the blanket of nature that embraces me in a time of disparity. Typing this out makes me feel like hey I am actually able to vomit my thoughts out, I am kinda good at this haha.

I don’t wanna fight and I won’t even compare, all I know is I never kept anything from you, I would always make it that you found out about it in the end, because I wanted you in my life and hide no secrets at all. I wanted to have a honest and respectful rs with you. I was deeply hurt when I was wrongly accused time and time again. For you, it different as you took things to your grave and I guess I wouldn’t have found out if we didn’t cease to exist.

Days where I was stressing and hurting in others areas and all you could see was your jealousy. I know it has been also incredibly hard for you to take the step of faith to adapt and change for another person. In that, I thank you for trying your best. And for that I also thank myself for holding on and braving really tough storms and growing stronger out of it all. Now I can confidently move on knowing I have the courage and tools to brave through such storms.

Some storms I feel unsupported and I think to myself , Shyt I am not doing enough and I am not good enough for him. I go to the gym, spin, muaythai, bachata, all for you, just because of your ideals of a slim pretty girl. Tbh I felt unappreciated for my efforts, I know I am good and pretty but for you I can’t never be enough, guess I am just hanging with the wrong person. God sees me and loves me for who I am, my partner should have his heart too I feel. Of course I will take care of my body but I deserve pure love out of an overflow and to be loved for the person I am and am becoming

I never once doubted our love, always held on to the similarities we had like peeling our skin, love for the oldies, talking about flat earth and weird theories, I really enjoyed that about you..you were special, and I hope you will find someone else who embraces and loves you for ur weirdness and quirkiness (if not that will be a huge waste)

I know as a women, sometimes I just need some validation but I never ever doubt you – that you might cheat or leave me. I had full-faith we would be “us.” , whatever weird combo of a couple that may be. But now it’s pointless thinking that it might even become a combo. I grew to love you overtime, many things I felt weird abt you grew onto me…can’t uds it but yeah.

I know I’ll miss you for now, and I have accepted and am grieving over the lost of a possible future, nonetheless I respect your decision and will move one min, one day, one week, one month and soon we will be a memory of the past.

Thank you for everything, I love you more than you will ever know.

P.s I still have your picture on my wall, just like I told you, I can have my ex-rs pictures on the wall, to trigger myself to grieve better as the more triggers I have, the faster I heal. We were so cute and innocent and in love, thinking of a wedding, a home, a family together… I really wonder what we could have been 🙂 little van and little nick how cute. Gotta catch myself and stop dreaming . Nick is gone. Nick is gone. Go to sleep, you need to work. But… no he is gone. I guess okay… * sleeps * * brain neurons get replenished * * starts forgetting *

– Van the one who calls you “my fav hooman”

Goodbye.

Happy 3 weeks at my new job at HDB.

I have been enjoying my role at work thus far, so much that I am entitled to three days WFH but I still go into office 5 days a week. We shall see how it goes!

Anyways, I have been really enjoying myself a lot!!

Looking forward to next wk! Have got lots of stuff planned.

Later will be going to meet Bobby n Gemz together with Nick. Cheerios!

LEggo.

Why learn to code?

Coding used to scare me a hell load.

Do only the smarty people code?

Will AI take over the world?

I want to break my limits, I want to be more.

That’s why I think coding can allow me to do just that, to gain confidence and produce value that others can appreciate.